|
by Anonymous
I met my husband in college and we began dating during our senior year. We had a wonderful courtship. He was so sweet and caring, affectionate, supportive, kind, and he was totally unafraid of falling in love and making a commitment, which was rare for boys that age. We instantly clicked and we had a very peaceful, happy, fun-loving relationship. When he proposed to me a year after graduation, I was thrilled. I loved him and I knew he would make a wonderful husband and father, and a terrific life partner. We married at age 23 and despite knowing we were a little young, we believed in our love, in one another, and in Christian marriage.
We moved 3,000 miles from home a week after our wedding for his job, a move we knew for months we'd be making. It was an exciting adventure for us, our first time living together and so far from our friends and family. We bonded early on and became even closer, relying on one another solely for emotional support. Marriage was going very well for us.
A few months into our marriage, I woke up late one night and noticed he had not come to bed. I got up to see if he had fallen asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but instead I found him in our office. He was sitting in front of the laptop, naked. He looked casual when he saw me, he got up, pulled on his shorts, and said he was coming to bed. I was startled and it never occurred to me what he would have been doing naked in front of the computer. It was 1998 and the internet was still new. I knew nothing of the lewd content that was so readily available there. I was naive.
The scene I walked in on stayed with me all night, and first thing in the morning I went to check the history on the computer, and made a shocking discovery. He had been viewing pornography online. I was immediately very angry. I stomped into our room, grabbed my things and slammed the door. He demanded to know what was wrong, and when I told him what I saw, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all. He said he had always viewed porn, whether it was magazines or web sites or movies, and this was not a big deal. It had nothing to do with me at all. I immediately felt so betrayed. We dated for 2 1/2 years and he NEVER once brought this up. He never shared this about himself. He never asked me to watch it with him. He never asked me about it, never mentioned it, and I never saw a single magazine lying around his house in college. I have no brothers and a very straightlaced father, so why would I have ever thought this was a typical guy thing? I was unhappy and said I didn't like it at all. I cried and he seemed genuinely surprised by my strong reaction. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.
Fast forward 11 years and two beautiful children later, and this is still going on. We now live back closer to family, but I've never shared this with a single soul on earth. I've caught him by checking the computer history dozens of times. We've had charges to our credit card that I confronted him about. The movies he buys show up on our cable bill. I've found DVDs of filthy movies, some left near the machine or in boxes in the garage. He now has his own laptop that I have no access to, so I can't check the history. He's become a master of clearing out the evidence anyway. He stays up late, claiming he's "working" or watching sports, and sometimes he is. But sometimes I come into the room and he scrambles to shut down the computer quickly and lies to me about what he was doing.
I've threatened to leave, to take the kids and file for divorce. I've cried my eyes out. I've explained how this makes me feel, how it's such an intrusion and a betrayal and so unfair, how I never knew this about him and never had the chance to decide whether I wanted this in my life or not. I've begged him to get help, I've directed him to websites and counselors. I've told him I cannot and will not tolerate it, that it can't be part of my marriage, that it's immoral and disgusting and makes me feel horrible about myself. He says he knows it's an issue, he'll get help, he'll talk to someone, he's trying, whatever. But no matter what, I catch him again.
If I wake up in the middle of the night and he's not in bed, I'm afraid to step into the family room for fear of what I'll catch him doing. I do not wish to walk in on him masturbating, as this would be terribly embarrassing for us both. So I open the door and call out to him, and then I stand there like a fool while I hear him shuffle around quickly and say he's coming right to bed. I then have to act like I don't know what he was doing.
When he does try to stop, he still seems to have an insatiable need to masturbate. He does so in the shower, which has clear glass doors and is in the master bathroom which is open wide to the bedroom. I can tell by how long he's been in there what he's doing, and I have to stay in bed or pretend to be asleep until he's finished, or else risk seeing him doing it--and him seeing me seeing him! I'm so creeped out by his overly sexual ways, I can't stand it. I shudder every time he touches me, and I avoid sex now because we are so lacking in emotional intimacy, trust and honesty between us. He just seems dirty to me. Everything he does to me seems like something he saw in a movie. It doesn't feel natural anymore, it's not organic. There's no passion, and our lovemaking just feels like a scene from one of his movies, not an expression of mutual love and passion and caring.
Aside from this issue, we have happy times and two kids whom we adore, so I do try to hold out hope that he's healing and we're moving in the right direction. He is a wonderful father and a very caring, thoughtfu person in every other way. He's very helpful around the house, a supportive partner to me, cares about me and my career and family.
I don't withold sex, because I want to believe that we can be normal--that he's healing and not looking at porn anymore. But I'm finding it really difficult to make love to him as time goes on. I've lost so much respect for him. He seems so weak to me, so childlike, as though I'm married to an adolescent. In my heart of hearts I don't think he deserves to touch me. He has betrayed me, lied to me, and hurt me over and over again, and has done so knowing what it does to me. He is immoral and has visions of other women in his head. He claims he's never cheated or even chatted with any living person, but I don't believe much of anything he says anymore. He cannot or he will not choose me over this powerful thing, so what do I owe him?
A few months ago, I awoke at 5 a.m. and he wasn't in bed. He had been up all night long doing heaven knows what. I found him in the dark in the office at his laptop and I just lost it. I knew what he was doing and I said "THIS IS IT." I explained this was the last time I would find that scene, that it's just insane for a grown man with kids and a career to stay up all night doing anything--much less doing that while his living, breathing, loving wife is in the next room and could provide actual intimacy. I told him the next time, it would be the end.
Last night, I awoke at 1 a.m. and he hadn't come to bed. I called out from the bedroom and sure enough, there he was, on the laptop, wearing earphones now to muffle the sounds from the websites he frequents. He knew how high the stakes were for me, and he did it anyway.
I am considering filing for separation. I no longer know what to do except to tell him if he wants to live a life surrounded by porn, that's his choice. But it's not mine. I don't want it in my home, I don't want it near my children. What if one of them walked in on him as I have? They are 6 and 8! I want him gone. And inevitably I will have to tell my family about this, and humiliate myself and him in the process. But they won't know why I've left him without hearing the truth.
I don't know where to turn.
Tags: pornography
|
|
