Name:Mandie
Last Name:
Essay Title:Shattered Heart

I will have been married for 11 years as of August 28th and we dated for 2 years before this.  We have known each other our entire lives, both grew up in the same church and his dad is actually a long time pastor.  Last week he admitted to me that he has been unfaithful to me over the entire course of our relationship.  He said he just felt so convicted by God that he had to tell me.  I am completely devastated.  All of the incidents were 1 time events some with prostitutes and some with women that he met on craigslist or other websites.  1 he said was just some girl he helped out with car trouble.  I discovered his porn addiction about a year into our marriage.  This in itself was a huge shock.  He was a pastors son and a professing christian.  I thought I was safe with him.  I also knew that the porn addiction was escalating over the years to craigslist.  I used to find escort services and massage listings in his history when he would go out of town as well as emails requesting information.  He always said he was just "curious".  Oddly enough he says most of the incidents occurred locally.  I know he's always been disappointed that I am uncomfortable performing some sexual things with him and apparently that's what he was seeking from these other women. He says that at least 3 of the incidents turned into actual intercourse not of his choosing but of the women.  My biggest problem is that he can't remember when the incidents occurred.  I am a very analytical person and it really bothers me that he can't tell me when it 1st started nor can he tell me when the last time was.  He can only tell me that the last 1 was probably about a year ago.  The most he can tell me is that there were at least 12-13 times.  All this time together I honestly believed we were each others first.  He told me this our first time.  Something I thought was so special for both of us really wasn't.  I knew that him and the girlfriend before me were sexual.  I know this has nothing to do with me & everything to do with his addiction but its really hard to not compare myself to these women.  Since first discovering his porn addition 10 years ago I put on about a 100lbs.  I joined a gym in March and have since lost 50lbs.  Our sex life has been pretty bad the past few years because of my issues with his porn addiction.  I was never in the mood because all I could think about was who does he see when we have intercourse, me or some fantasy woman.  Last year we went on a romantic trip for our 10 year anniversary and ended up not having sex the entire time.  We've only had sex one time since then. Shortly after that I caught him flirting with a girl we knew from church on Facebook.  This was a girl that we knew had gone through a nasty divorce because her husband caught her in their bed with others.  My husband was trying to get her to go out for drinks.  He has admitted that if I hadn't confronted him that he probably would have met her & tried to have sex with her.  Since then I have kicked him out of the bedroom hoping that would teach him to change.  Apparently it didn't because he said the final incident was after this. For the past week I have just been completely in shock.  I keep waking up (when I can actually sleep, usually crying myself to sleep) hoping that it was all a dream.  I can barely function at work and I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends.  Fortunately I have found a support group and have been talking to the counselor.  I'm hoping that going to the group next week will help some.  I just want to know if it is normal for sex addicts to not remember the time frame of their incidents or if he is hiding something from me.  Is it a good idea for me to try to make him create a time line of when the incidents occurred?